Friday, October 31, 2014

tabula rasa

Tabula Rasa.
A clean slate.
"What defines me? I think this past year of my life, my bipolar has defined me. It has consumed me and drained me and made me a stranger to myself. I don’t want my bipolar to define me anymore. So then, what defines me? Who am I? Ya know, people say that when you move to a new place you get to pick to be whoever you want to be. I don’t understand that though. If you are getting to pick to be whoever you want aren’t you just cheating yourself? We are all inherently ourselves. It’s kind of beautiful actually. No matter how many things or people hurt us and break us, we can always hold onto who we are. We might grow and improve, but we are still ourselves. Some people are good at running, snowboarding, painting, singing……but I’m not. I’m good at other things. And I have different personality traits than other people. I have experienced different feelings and struggles than other people. I am myself, and nobody else. When I move to a new place I don’t want to choose to be whoever I want to be because that’s a lie. I would have to hold up that lie the whole time because I will always be myself no matter how hard I try to hide from it. So why don’t I just accept it now? I am myself, always. I have weaknesses and strengths and beauties that make me unique from everybody else. So what defines me? What makes me me even when I move to a new city? I don’t think my bipolar defines me. I think the fact that I love to travel defines me, and my love for deep relationships defines me. I think that my need for people and my contradictorily independent personality defines me. No sickness defines me and I shouldn’t let it. I should let the good things define who I am-not the bad things."

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