Saturday, May 6, 2017


Before I got pregnant I thought that no matter how hard people said it would be, I was pretty dang tough.
The nausea, the pain, the fatigue.....I could do it because I was doing it for a purpose.
But guys, going through this has almost broken me.
I've decided to go part time at work until I feel better and today is my first official day off that wasn't taken off because I couldn't get out of bed.
And all I can say is that it is Heaven.
I don't feel un-sick, but I do feel like I'm not going to curl up in a ball and die any second.
So that's nice.
This has been probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
For 11 weeks now I have not felt like myself and that has scared me.
I haven't been able to take care of my family, spend quality time with my husband, do the things that I love, or even do much in terms of earning an income.
I have been slowly going crazier and crazier and Derek can attest to that!
I haven't even enjoyed talking about being pregnant because I have felt so much guilt about it.
I don't see this terrible sickness as "Well, at least this means the baby is ok."
Instead, I've sometimes regretted getting pregnant.
I don't see this terrible sickness as "Well, at least something good comes out of it in the end."
Instead, I worry that especially when the baby comes, I will never be me again.
So, today, to have a break and feel a little more whole again is everything.
It's so hard to find joy in our struggles, but it's probably the most important thing that we can do for ourselves.
Even if it's just one day out of many.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

first trimester

I am officially at 14 weeks and haven't escaped the first trimester morning sickness yet.
At exactly week 5 I started getting sick; just lack of appetite at first and getting sick if I thought about food.
Then quickly it turned into full on nausea which turned into pretty severe vomiting.
I ended up losing 10 pounds and going to the hospital twice for dehydration so far.
I've been eating a lot of cereal, switching which kinds I eat so that my stomach doesn't get tired of it.
Pizza has been a go to for me and as of late, salads and plain bean burritos from Taco Bell; specifically.
But every day my stomach wants something different so it's pretty much the luck of the draw each day.
Medicine doesn't seem to do a d**n thing.
And the more intense medications just make me feel so awful that I can't even get out of bed.
So I haven't really had any relief.
Peppermint gum used to work, but now the flavor is too strong and makes me sick.
And because of my scoliosis (assumingly) I have already started having sciatic nerve pain.
As for the good side of things:
At week 8 we were able to have an ultrasound because of my previous miscarriage.
The heartbeat was really strong and it was awesome to see and hear.
We were able to find out the gender in a blood test and will reveal it soon, after we've told our families.
At me E.R. visit we got an ultrasound done and were amazed at how human this little thing looks now.
There were hands and feet and a spine and "it" was just wiggling all over the place!
Pretty neat to see.
As for if I recommend getting pregnant, ask me once I can drink water again.

Friday, January 13, 2017

month one: part one

We are trying one new thing each month this year.
And for the first month we decided to go back to Moab for our annual trip.
But this time we had to make it a little different so that we would be following the rules of our resolution.
So instead of hiking in Arches we brought Bruce and did a bunch of little things around Moab that were pet friendly.
On day one we saw some cool petroglyphs, dinosaur tracks, and Corona Arch.
All 3 of us had a BLAST.
With a few exceptions we were the only ones on these trails which made it even more fun for Bruce to run around and for us to explore a little more.