Thursday, March 26, 2015

the year I hated God

The year I hated God.
Great post title right?
Whether it's pretty or not, it's the truth.
I wasted a whole year of my life hating God.
In 2013 I was happy and content at SUU.
I had grown a great faith in my Heavenly Father and was willing to do anything for Him.
So when He asked me to go to BYU, I went.
No questions asked.
And I was so excited to go and see what He had to offer me there.
I moved all of my stuff into my new apartment ready to make some friends, but
I soon realized that I was alone.
BYU is a very hard place to build deep and meaningful relationships with people because you see the same person about twice a semester unless real effort is made.
In addition, a lot of my roommates were gone constantly.
So I had no roommates, no friends.....
I started my major that I was so excited for and.....hated it.
I was miserable.
As the semester and year went on I ended up entangling myself in some abusive relationships.
Then I ended up in the hospital.
And all of my sadness soon turned into anger.
I was so angry at God.
He sent me here.
How could He send me here and then let all of these bad things happen?
Why hasn't He stepped in to save me?
Why? Why? Why?
A year after my anger started I ran into the missionaries.
And every Mormon knows the ending to that...
Well maybe not my ending.
I dropped out of school, despite lots and lots of teasing.
I can handle the teasing and I can handle the lack-of-a-degree-stress, but I could no longer handle the school and the city that I was in that brought me so much pain.
After this decision I was able to feel the spirit again and eventually find happiness and peace in certain areas of my life.
And that peace and happiness was able to grow.
And my relationship with Heavenly Father began to mend.
Even though I still feel a lot of anger and hurt for the situation that I have been put in, I have been able to come to a sort of peace.
I may not know why I was sent to this place or why those bad things happened to me.
I might be forever broken because of those things and I will never know why.
But ya know what?
I'm here now.
I made it through.
Everyone says that our trials make us better people.
Honestly, I have no idea if I am a better person.
Maybe without these trials I would be kinder or funnier or more trusting.
I can never know if I am better for these trials.
But, as cliche as it sounds, I don't think that I would trade those trials out for a pain free life.
I'm here, and alive, and still not a serial killer.
So that's something!
But really, I'm glad that I spent a year hating God.
Because now I'm not just a blind follower, I'm a believer by choice.
And now when I feel love for God I know that it is real and not just something that I was taught.

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