pregnancy

Before I got pregnant I thought that no matter how hard people said it would be, I was pretty dang tough.
The nausea, the pain, the fatigue.....I could do it because I was doing it for a purpose.
But guys, going through this has almost broken me.
I've decided to go part time at work until I feel better and today is my first official day off that wasn't taken off because I couldn't get out of bed.
And all I can say is that it is Heaven.
I don't feel un-sick, but I do feel like I'm not going to curl up in a ball and die any second.
So that's nice.
This has been probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
For 11 weeks now I have not felt like myself and that has scared me.
I haven't been able to take care of my family, spend quality time with my husband, do the things that I love, or even do much in terms of earning an income.
I have been slowly going crazier and crazier and Derek can attest to that!
I haven't even enjoyed talking about being pregnant because I have felt so much guilt about it.
I don't see this terrible sickness as "Well, at least this means the baby is ok."
Instead, I've sometimes regretted getting pregnant.
I don't see this terrible sickness as "Well, at least something good comes out of it in the end."
Instead, I worry that especially when the baby comes, I will never be me again.
So, today, to have a break and feel a little more whole again is everything.
It's so hard to find joy in our struggles, but it's probably the most important thing that we can do for ourselves.
Even if it's just one day out of many.