loss

A screenshot from our announcement video.

Whenever we have a question, we Google.
When we are afraid, we Google.
When we are anxious, we Google.
We want answers.
We want to know what people have to say.
We want to know that we are not alone.
So while I feel a little weird writing this, I wanted to have this out there for anybody that doesn't want to feel alone.
Because reading my Aunt's sweet words about her experience helped me understand mine more.
And if I'm going to experience this then it better damn well be for a purpose.
And I'm not going to experience it in a puddle of mush in the basement with nobody knowing.
So I've written my experience from my own personal perspective.
And not what it means for everybody.
So here goes:
Very recently I had a miscarriage.
We had decided we were ready to have a baby.
We were financially prepared, it was something we had both always wanted, we felt ready.
So we tried without trying too hard and the very next month we were pregnant.
Man, that was easy!
And I wasn't even sick?
How did I even get to be this lucky?
Then my doctor called to tell me that she would like me to come in for an ultrasound because my hormone levels were pretty high.
Derek and I started to get nervous.
But mostly excited (and mostly nervous) because we thought it could be twins!!!
I go into the office then next day and wait SO anxiously in the waiting room.
When I finally get taken back and the ultrasound starts, the tech starts questioning if I had been told correctly as to why I was in there.
And that's when she told me that where was no longer any baby in my belly.
And my world came crashing down.
I just could not even believe what they were telling me.
I was just coming in to see if my due date was sooner.
And I hadn't been feeling pain or excessively bleeding.
The only thing I really felt was confusion.
And part of me thought that they must be lying to me.
Derek came home from work and we sat in a confused depression.
I called the doctor and came to find out that she hadn't told me the real reason I was going in because she didn't want to stress me out.
What???
I could have prepared myself!
I could have asked Derek to come in with me instead of having to sit in that exam room....alone!
But there's not just the emotional pain.
There's the terrible physical pain that comes with miscarrying.
Your body has to get rid of all of the tissue that is now foreign and doesn't belong.
My body, however, chose to give me all the pain with none of the results.
And it's so frustrating.
And even though I know better than to blame God, it is just so easy.
Why did he let me get pregnant in the first place?
Why couldn't I have just not gotten pregnant?
And not even did I just miscarry, but now my body can't do what it's supposed to?
How is that even fair?
And afterwards all you have is lost excitement, ruined plans, and soon to be dusty baby toys that were purchased prematurely.
But eventually the pain lessens and you can live normally again.
The only difference now is that there's a Fear that has cozied itself into the recesses of your rmind-ready to jump out to the forefronts before Excitement even has time to get out of bed.
However,  the thing that helped me the most were the words of my Aunt explaining that there are some babies that are just too perfect for this ugly world, but still need bodies.
And I have the ability to help with that.
So I will.