a satirical post on marriage

6 months into marriage and I know exactly what makes my man tick.
I know when he's hungry, when he's tired, when he just WANTS SILENCE.
I would say that I've got this wife thing down pretty well.
So I figured that I would let all other wives out there know how to make their man happy with my five favorite wife essentials.
1. My ceramic knife. This baby spreads Mayo like a dream, can open a bag of jerky in a pinch, and even slices meat with precision. What way to be a better wife than to make your man food? Happy oven, happy husband.
2. Argan massage oil. After a long day of working so hard all he needs is for me to give him a foot and back rub without being told. And the scent of this oil makes that hour each day just fly by.
3. Makeup. I wouldn't want to do him a disservice by not looking my absolute best for him. I don't want to embarrass him of course! So I always make sure to wake up 10 minutes before he does and put on some makeup so that he gets to wake up next to an angel every morning.
4. His megaphone. Now, instead of having to strain his voice to call for me; all he has to do is push the button on his megaphone and I'm there, at his beck and call. Less strain on him, which means less strain on me....
5. The remote. Having a remote is my saving grace. I would never let him get up and change the channel, but it tires me to have to do it all of the time. I ain't complaining, but it is nice to give my feet a break sometimes. Our remote is a heaven send.



*Note: All thoughts and opinions in no way reflect how are marriage actually is...entirely.
**Double Note: He actually does own a megaphone.